Duality of the self

I think there is a duality within every one of us, this duality for some is called the “shadow self”. This semi-alter ego that resides within us is the opposite at times of who we think we truly are. It may be hard to explain, but once we put it into perspective, we can clarify that these aspects of ourselves that we reject and claim not to be ours are the shadowed aspects of what we resent, not only in ourselves but others. We find ourselves growing, changing, and evolving, leading us to feel a lack of stability with our state and who we are, comforting this stability with externalities or the acceptance of lacking control of our life. We become so wrapped up in trying to continuously understand who we are, and figure out where we fit in and belong, yet we seek it elsewhere and in a place that will not necessarily give the answers we seek. 

Recently, I was trying to understand why certain things were not fitting or aligning; trying to find the missing puzzle pieces when the puzzle was already complete. But I took a step back and surrendered and chose to accept that some things are the way that they are, and are unchangeable. Needless to say, I was a bit frustrated with this idea of surrendering - because I don’t like to give up easily. However, by simply being in a state of serenity and acceptance, I also found myself unravelling the answers I had been looking for; I came across this concept of duality with the self. I realized that within myself there are the extremes of being careless or caring too much, overthinking or not thinking at all, or being more rational or irrational. But I never really took the time to understand why we have these extremes and not a balance. Then I came to put myself in two boxes, one that has a careless and free lifestyle, and the other that is sensitive, meticulous and calculated. I realized that within these two extremes, I was focusing on the things I resented about each of them, trying to understand why I would not accept certain parts of myself or why there was that missing piece in truly loving myself. But then it clicked, I was battling with the things I thought I was or wasn’t, trying to be one or the other and conflicted with finding a balance because I didn’t see the good parts of what each aspect of myself had. I started to write a list of the things that I did resent of myself, and then made another one shifting my perspective and looking at what good I could take from each one of these extremes. This shadow of mine that I had been resisting and so desperate to find a balance finally came together when I chose to see the positive attributes of what I thought were only negative. 

Finding yourself becomes difficult when one is wrapped up in trying to find places to fit in when one can’t even accept oneself. It is difficult to become at peace with who one truly is when there are parts of ourselves that we resist showing or embracing because we are too afraid that it will be too much or it won’t be accepted. However, we are so drawn to that desperation to belong that we forget to be in tune with who we are. We then find ourselves confused about being at peace with not needing that constant seek of validation because we have come to finally embrace these shadowed characteristics that also make us who we are. But even that duality is the understanding that the approval of inner peace comes from within and not from someone other than yourself. When we reach this point of acceptance in the parts we have denied for so long, we also find peace in knowing that there is no need to seek validation elsewhere, nor do we have to seek approval for things we feel we are not enough of. In finding that peace in the duality we have within, we also find peace in being who we are. So, what parts of ourselves do we not like? What is the shadow that follows us and tries to hide so the world does not see? Why do we want to hide it and why do we want to be just one extreme when we can be both?

Z.