Growing up and holding on

We expect the past versions of who we once were to remain present, regardless of how much we change. We still try to do what we used to, hoping it will bring us the same pleasure it once did, or connect with the people we used to know in hopes of keeping that part of ourselves alive. Yet, at times, we force ourselves to find joy or completeness in these things without realizing that they may not fulfill us as they once did. There exists another aspect of ourselves that is eager to let go of our past, aiming to look toward how we will evolve in the future, and perhaps, in a way, discover the different challenges we can face to assess what we have learned. We attempt to rekindle a connection with an old acquaintance, understanding that even if we try to force that bond, it simply won’t work (unless we choose to remain as the person we once were). However, when we choose to accept the growth we’ve undergone, we also recognize that certain things are better left in the past rather than being dragged along. I have found that we hope to retain parts of ourselves from the past to serve as a cushion to fall back on if things don’t work out. Perhaps we cling to things that don’t serve us, but instead offer comfort in knowing some things will never change. Unfortunately (and fortunately), the only constant is change.

Initially, when I first realized this a few years ago, I felt there was no reason to attach myself to people or things because, like everything else, they may change. Yet that view was overly pessimistic; it did not allow me to truly embrace all that one might feel in a given moment due to that thought, knowing it would fade away. I believe we cling to the hope for things to remain the same to avoid confronting the ending. However, this does not have to be dull and sad to consider. There are two sides to the coin when we embrace how precious moments are and accept that, regardless of the temporary nature of some experiences in life, we can still engage with them. So, why do we cling so tightly to what no longer resonates with us? Why do we hold onto things that simply do not favour our growth? Perhaps we attempt to convince ourselves that we haven’t grown up too much or too quickly, but that we can still possess the things we used to. Maybe we need to identify what is constant (in life thus far) to find comfort in knowing that at least one thing will remain present (be it the love for a person or even the attributes we possess). I think this duality of looking forward to our growth while looking back at what we hold onto limits our ability to embrace the feelings we are fortunate to experience in the present. 

Z.