Individual yet aligned

If there is one thing that I have caught myself doing lately, it is questioning—not out of curiosity but out of fear. I tried writing an article the other day, but it didn’t seem to flow, and I chose not to publish it because it was not in alignment with what I was feeling; it would not have been truthful of me to do so. 

I found myself rebutted in a back-and-forth, catching myself and almost immediately stopping myself from spiraling. Still, I was reacting to certain triggers and emotions out of fear, leading me to doubt, fear, and construct ideas and expectations that were mere illusions of futurizing certain scenarios or reliving past ones. I found myself becoming more in tune with this internal dialogue, coming to the conclusion that I had been wondering where these fears came from and why they recurred in my mind.  For one, I was still reliving things because part of me was choosing to. This aspect of reliving past experiences, and triggering oneself to feel or think about things, is a deep-rooted belief or desire to stay looped in that suffering and pain. It does not necessarily mean that it is something we think we want or that will even benefit us, but it is easy. But why? It may be easy because we create a predictable outcome that gives us an opportunity to know how situations will unfold—even if that meant getting hurt or reliving painful memories.  

The other night, I was in a position where I was having a wonderful time, and all of a sudden, a memory came to my mind. I almost immediately began to question the situation, doubt my behavior, and limit myself from living in the present. But thankfully, I had a choice in that moment: continue to deepen my negative thoughts or shift to knowing that what is happening right now has no relation to what happened in the past. I think a great reference is to a book I am reading called The Courage to Be Disliked, which speaks about the difference between Freudian and Adlerian psychology. Freudian psychology is what we commonly know; it is a psychology based on a cause-and-effect relationship, where we link things that occurred that may have caused us to react or attract things in our life. Now the key word in Freudian psychology, or at least my interpretation of it, is "may." The idea that A may cause B to happen. Sometimes, we drive ourselves to be convinced that something deeply rooted in our subconscious—a past experience or trauma—might have triggered us to react or behave in a certain manner years later. Although this might be true, it may also serve as a reason to give excuses for how we choose to live our life and why we may continue to repeat certain patterns that don’t serve us, with justification. On the other hand, there is Adlerian psychology, which focuses on the courage to live the life you want to live in a more individual manner. The idea behind it is taking accountability and agency in assuming responsibility for creating the lifestyle you choose and, within its nature, propelling us to start living in alignment with who we are. However, the idea of Adlerian psychology is sometimes mistaken as self-centered and too individualistic (in the negative sense), as it may lead us to live more in tune with who we are rather than living up to other people’s expectations. Needless to say, the individualistic approach can also provide a chance to find balance—living in alignment with who we are while also living in harmony with others, as we stop going against the grain of our nature and resisting the expectations others have on us, which may lead us to rebel.  

Coming to understand the second type of psychology allowed me to gain more insight into how easy it is to shift our lifestyle and the choices we make if we stop excusing and justifying ourselves. The other night, when that moment transpired and I had that choice, I was faced with the opposition of either continuing to live in my past until (hopefully) I get over it and am fully healed or starting to embrace the present moment as it was beautifully experienced without overshadowing the emotions I might have been feeling. Now, there is nothing wrong with being triggered, but it is the acceptance of understanding that if we force ourselves to live vicariously through forceful emotions, we might not allow ourselves to truly be. And that is, I think, the objective of all of us—to live authentically and in alignment with who we are. So why don’t you give yourself a chance to start living in the now and to just be?

Z.