Performing behind closed doors

We sometimes want to keep on going, moving forward with life and sometimes omit certain things that have happened, thinking that they will not resurface again because they occurred. 

There is this idea that we are in a state of comparison or performance in trying to look a certain way for others but even for ourselves. I will write this article focusing on ourselves and how we place pressure on trying to be something or feel a certain way when in reality we just have to be honest. 

I recently had a hiccup, a moment triggered by a memory of a situation that happened a few months ago. There were so many other things to focus on that allowed me to just move passed this situation, thinking that I had done the work and I could simply move on. Putting a smile on my face and getting dressed up, convincing myself that it was not affecting me anymore. However, I got to a point where I was burned out; unknowingly affected by this situation. I wanted to believe that I had moved on, so I would convince myself not to think about it twice and look for something else that must be causing me to feel this way. But, I got to the point where I had to accept that this belief was not doing me justice and face the harsh truth that something from the past was still coming up. 

And it is a funny thing, this idea of belief. Believing in ideas or concepts just to view life a certain way or convince yourself that things are the way they are just because we see how often it happens around us. However, there is this behind the scenes when we are alone, and stop performing, even if we have been performing for ourselves. What I mean by this is that we don’t have to put on a smile every time we look in a mirror if we may feel the complete opposite, and we don’t have to think the way we do when we are surrounded by others. The hard thing is to be brutally honest with yourself, remove the mask and face our actuality. Being in a state where we can’t even handle or deal with being “fake” anymore or acting just to convince ourselves that everything is okay. It is like this idea of “layers”, where we slowly come back to who we are and what we feel when there is no one else and nothing else distracting us, but our mind and ego. 

In my case, I wanted to find an immediate solution to move past it. Thinking that I was doing the work, and getting my life back on track, I thought that it would not come back up again (the memory at least). However, this performance - even if it felt real - was just a distraction from accepting that this memory may come up again in the future, and I was scared of that. I was so afraid, that I convinced myself to minimize its impact on me. Yet, I was faced with that hiccup, where I was triggered and everything came rolling down like a snowball effect, and it was time to accept that this belief was just a belief and not what I felt. So, I had to unravel and peel the layers of the onion and come to accept the fuk’d up truth of traumatizing situations that may be a lifelong work in progress that will slowly minimize in impact or trigger as time goes on. But, we cannot convince ourselves that it did not happen, or minimize it to think it was not a big deal and not put it in the back of our minds or reject it. 

It may be time to find a way to connect with yourself without justifying or convincing yourself other than what is right in front of you. To find peace in accepting that feeling a certain way or reliving certain memories is normal, instead of constantly putting them in the back of your mind so that they don’t shock you if they come up again. Maybe it is to walk along life knowing that it is there rather than fearing that it will be an obstacle you may come across. Think of it as a bothersome moment you are experiencing, and see it for what it is and not go against it, because if not it will come back stronger than you wanted. 

Z.

If you are in need of a person to talk to or access resources regarding sexual violence in Canada: https://cvasm.org/en/sexual-violence-helpline/