The Sense of Belonging

There is a concept that I have been coming to terms with, and it is this sense of belonging. I didn’t understand the desperation of people or even myself and the wanting to belong into groups - no matter how big or small. But I recently found myself drawn to this idea of being invited into different settings, groups, or environments. There are moments when we go somewhere and we feel at home, and others where we just want to be in a corner and not interact. But why is that? Why is it that there are some environments where we feel like we belong and others where we don’t? Why is it that we feel more comfortable being more of who we are and in others, we feel like we have to limit our behaviour or even the things we say? Or maybe even this idea of controlling who we are when surrounded by certain people or in environments where we - in a way - force ourselves to adapt? 

I realized that I was in this confused state of trying to understand where it is that I belonged, having this questioning of who I was and even feeling lost. I didn’t think about it much until last year when I became more aware of friendships, relationships and dynamics among people. And I found that the people we feel most comfortable with are those that accept us for who we are, at least the parts we choose to share. However, I think it is also this sense of welcoming, that makes us feel at home; when we feel safe, we are more comfortable sharing parts of ourselves that not everybody has a chance to see. 

The thing is that I sense a type of pressure in wanting to belong, this void that we create internally based on comparison or even on prejudice. It is not bad to feel those things or even that pressure, I think it is completely natural and allows you to grow as an individual and even grow in the understanding of relationships and what works for you. The idea of belonging also comes from wanting to be accepted, getting that validation, being seen, and even being welcomed. It may root back to certain experiences or even rejections that have happened in the past - I guess I can speak from experience. However, I do think that when we come to terms with who we are, we stop seeking that external validation, and we come to realize that we don’t want to force ourselves to belong, we want to be welcomed. We want to be invited to places and to spend time with people because they want us there rather than feeling like we are intruding or being a burden. I think we seek this approval that may not even be satisfied if we are part of a group when we are not accepting who we are, and we turn outwards. It is like this analogy that I heard the other day, and it is related to choosing who you want to be, the thermometer or the thermostat. The thermometer is the one that measures the temperature and tells you what it is and you are not in control of it, but the thermostat is the one that is in control of the temperature and chooses to adjust it according to what satisfies you. It is this idea of either allowing yourself to be in environments that adapt to who you are and you meld right in, or being in an environment where you have to adjust and adapt all of who you are because of what you are surrounded by. But once you find yourself being in this state of the comfort of who you are, wherever you are, you are capable of choosing rather than feeling forced to adapt. 

Being welcomed is beautiful because you feel safe, you feel invited, and you feel comfortable with just being who you are without having to force yourself to please those around you constantly. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t easy when you start to choose yourself, because it is uncomfortable, and you aren’t used to it; but once you do, it feels so freeing. You stop relying on others to feel welcomed and you start to just feel at home wherever you go because you are welcoming, inviting and accepting yourself without the need for external validation or recognition. So, I guess in this case I can ask you if you feel more like a thermometer or a thermostat. And if you are one or the other, it is okay if you sometimes choose to float between the two; just be aware of it.

Z.