Unsolicited advice

I think that one of the most interesting things that we do when it comes to relationships is compromise and the adaptation to find acceptance and validation, a sort of reassurance that we are doing okay and that we are accepted. It is part of human nature to connect with others, to feel that sense of belonging and to maybe even create or feel part of a community to feel accepted. However, there is another aspect of human nature: the sense of individuality, this sense of comfort with the self without the acknowledgement of others but of your own. We sometimes adapt who we are unconsciously to mould ourselves to be continuously accepted by others, whether it be incorporating other people’s habits or sayings, even to the way we dress and speak. 

I was having a conversation, explaining something confusing to me or just not sitting right with who I am regarding the reactions of others. For starters, I had to sit down and try and understand why it was bothering me, but the other thing that I had a bit more trouble doing was accepting the fact that we were not in control of other people’s reactions or interpretations. It is similar to something I heard the other day: it is not about communication but about comprehension. When we speak or interact with others, we set expectations for how they will react or respond to what we do or say, which can either lead to being pleased or disappointed. But I found that even when trying to communicate in the clearest of ways to someone (as best as you can to adapt your lingo to what others understand), there is a barrier between what one says and what others comprehend. And I found that we sometimes blind ourselves from that barrier, and we immediately assume that once something is said, the other person will understand without confirming what it was that you were trying to communicate. This is where I think misunderstanding, expectations and assumptions happen, and we become slightly disappointed and doubtful about what transpired (if certain conversations don’t go as planned). 

But back to the conversation I was having earlier this week, I faced a pattern of mine which showed me how I sometimes simply accept what others might say rather than finding common ground and being okay with my own opinion (knowing that it is right and aligns for me). After the conversation, I began to question my actions and doubted if I was doing the right thing. It took me a couple of days for it to click that we sometimes also have to try and comprehend where certain things come from - whether it be advice, comments or opinions. It is hard to sometimes feel that what you do or say is right or wrong when others give a different approach, but it is in those moments where we have to take a step back and also ask if these approaches are right for you or others. And it may be then that we start to gain that sense of individuality and still find a sense of belonging.

What others say and do can influence us tremendously, even if it is as small as saying yes or no. But by giving ourselves a chance to stop people pleasing and knowing that we don’t always have to give in to others, we start to feel more reassured with who we are while also learning to accept that others may simply think and act differently than we do. We then understand that having a sense of detachment allows us to still feel accepted, which is fuk’d up. So, I ask you, what might have been some advice you have gotten recently that made you doubt if you were doing what was right for you? Maybe it is a time to take a moment to assess what aligns with who you are rather than what aligns with others and find a way to accept that it may be different and that it is okay.

Z.